i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
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Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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