Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
