are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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