i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
