dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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