I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
