Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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