im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
