You can't motorboat a personality
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
