well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
