You're my little dorito
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
