The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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