Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize