i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
