Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
