I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
