I queefed so loud it echoed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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