Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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