I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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