I think scott just propositioned me for sex
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
