I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
