listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
