i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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