i think i have herpe
just one?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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