Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
