I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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