Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
