I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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