looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
