I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
did i just pee glitter
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
