if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize