His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
