i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
