I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
