WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Randomize
