I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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