he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
