we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
