OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
