I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
