So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
