I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
just tell him i said nine months
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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