I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
