Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
