I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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