The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
