Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
