let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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