When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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