3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i want to swaddle you in tequila
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
