Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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