That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
