I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am spending my child support on dildos
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
