you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
