so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
