After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you didnt know i had herpes?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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