ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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