Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
