Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
