Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
