I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
